Medical Mystery Enthusiast Gifts

One funky rash!

'Off hand, I'd say you're suffering from an arrow through your head, but just to play it safe, I'm ordering a bunch of tests.'

"I'm not sure what's wrong with you. We'll have to wait for the results to come back from the autopsy."

'Are you sure you're telling me everything?'

The second opinion was even worse than the first.

'Arrow? I'm here about the headaches.'

"Just as I suspected. These things make everything louder."

'Was that a good 'hmmm' or a bad 'hmmm'?'

'No, they're not for 3D TV, I've got Pink Eye.

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"Have you noticed any side effects from the medicine?"

'You have an extremely rare, hard-to-treat disease -- are you trying to make me look bad?'

John W. Wilson 1949-2009 - Forgot to ask his doctor everything he wanted to ask him.

"Yes, I came back. I went for a second opinion, but it was even more preposterous than yours."

'That rash on your stomach is a telltale sign of mercury poisoning.'

Alternative Medicine

'I believe you have Herkermeier's syndrome. Just to be sure, I am referring you to doctor Herkermeler.'

'Now this quack wants me to see a specialist- what the hell is a PATHOLOGIST'

"All your tests came back negative -- You've been wasting my valuable time."

'What you have is so rare that I don't know whether to name it after you or for myself.'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

'I've got every disease in this book except hypochondria...'

"I'm telling you, Hutchins. It's 'Feed a fever. Starve a cold.'"

"And how do we know he's not just faking a coma?"

'We've talked it over, and we've decided to hold you for observation.'

"It's probably nothing, but if it's still bothering you in a week come back."

"Well, now you're just being silly and paranoid. And, if I must say, a little judgemental. I'm sure this Tim knows what he's doing. He does have a sign after all."

'Oh my god... oh my god...'

'Well I'm blowed if I know what any of this means!'

Swine flu immunity.

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'

"I'm afraid the bad news is that you're not a hypochondriac."

"Boy! If I can cure you of this lot, I'll be world famous."

"Your tests came back negative. But don't give us hope. If we run some more tests, we'll eventually find something."

"I see that cream doesn't seem to be working..."