Medical Mystery Gifts

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

My doctor says my heart is fragile. I'm supposed to cut down on my activism. You mean activity? Activism. He says that getting upset about idiotic, right-wing, greedy jerks is bad for my heart. He's a quack! This ends badly.

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

Apothecary. Tell us what ails you. We'll concoct a chemical mix to dissolve in water which will fix you. Every problem has solution!

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"It's a list of possible side effects."

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

Paging for a Doctor

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'Have there been any side effects from the medicine?'

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

Anti-Vaxer

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

"I don't like the looks of that Spot on your lung."

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'The GOOD news is that the medication you took has completely cleared up your hardening of the arteries.'

"I'm afraid we'll have no chance of curing your husband until we find out why he changed into a banana."

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'