Medical Mysteries Gifts

'A very unusual case, Mrs. Vandermeer, you have rhinestones!'

'I'm a cardiologist with a child in third grade art class. What can I say?'

"Something very big buried a lot of bones here."

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

Apothecary. Tell us what ails you. We'll concoct a chemical mix to dissolve in water which will fix you. Every problem has solution!

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"It's a list of possible side effects."

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

Paging for a Doctor

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'Have there been any side effects from the medicine?'

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

Anti-Vaxer

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

"I don't like the looks of that Spot on your lung."

"I'm afraid we'll have no chance of curing your husband until we find out why he changed into a banana."

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'