Health-conscious Prankster Pillows

"Did someone eat my edamame ice pack?!"

"I just finished a 10-day cleanse. Now it's time to retox."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"We've invented a new word!"

'What's the best kind of glue to fix a TV screen?'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Moo-Magrams Exams

"For the last time… do not feed bubble gum to the reindeer!"

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

Disorderlies

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"One slice—hold the bread."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"...and how about you, Wellington? Does this smell funny to you?"

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."