Health-conscious Prankster Pillows

"Did someone eat my edamame ice pack?!"

"I just finished a 10-day cleanse. Now it's time to retox."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"We've invented a new word!"

'What's the best kind of glue to fix a TV screen?'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"For the last time… do not feed bubble gum to the reindeer!"

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Disorderlies

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Eat lots of carrots."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"...and how about you, Wellington? Does this smell funny to you?"

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"How cute! Our technician photo-bombed your X-ray!"