Health-conscious Humor Seeker Pillows

"Any chance you could hit that with a sanitary wipe first?"

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

'I'll take #1.'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

"Thank God!"

Formally foods that were good for you.

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."