Health-conscious Humor Appreciator Pillows

"Bernard had to have a pacemaker"

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

'It was at this point that I insisted all employees eat their vegetables.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"One slice—hold the bread."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

'I'll take #1.'

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Formally foods that were good for you.

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."