Health-conscious Jokers Pillows

Fairy Tales in Pandemic Time

'Here, hold my dentures.'

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

At a drive-thru - 'Do you mind getting rid of that disgusting cigarette sir?!'

'I can tell when it's getting close to New Year's.. my liver starts to quiver.'

''Earn our bread by the sweat of our brow'? -- is that sanitary?'

"But is it Organic?"

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Jim's Smart Kettle

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."