Health-conscious Jokesters Pillows

'I prefer these imported cigarettes - they don't have a health warning.'

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Centaur for Disease Control Says Wear a Mask

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

Antihistamine Rally At National Sinus Cavity

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

'Will we ever get a morning-after pill for over-eating?'

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'She says she has a prenatal appointment.'

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

Formally foods that were good for you.

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'That reminds me - your hospital appointment is next week.'