Health-savvy Jokers Pillows

Robert tried the Heimlich Maneuver on a choking man.

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Moo-Magrams Exams

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

Jim's Smart Kettle

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"Thank God!"

Formally foods that were good for you.

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."