Health Care Irony Pillows

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

Single Prayer Health Insurance

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

'Doctors are all booked up. Nurse is busy. The best I can do is offer to type your symptoms into Google.'

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

Way too General Practitioner

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'That pest in 453 is being discharged.'

'Can you believe I was open for six months, and not one single client?!?'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'

"Now I'm going to offer a second opinion."

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

'I would describe it as a splitting headache.'

'It's the speciman you asked me to bring in...'

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

When a Vampire Bat is the Phlebotomists

'Take two of these and visit my website in the morning.'

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

Covid Deaths

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

"Don't worry, Mr. Johns, basically we'll be taking your organs out and repositioning them all, just a bit to the left."

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

Pay Hospital Bill Here

'Yes, they're my own teeth. I paid the dentist for them myself.'

'Your health insurance company says you misspelled your name on the application.'

'Sorry Jack, but as I said to Jill, it's the two tier system, if you can't afford anything better, it'll have to be just the vinegar and brown paper.'