Healthcare Hilarity Pillows

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'

"How often do you have this pre existing condition?"

'We don't have a treadmill, so the stress test here is waiting two hours to see a doctor.'

'I would describe it as a splitting headache.'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

"It's worse than you think, doctor - his dad's supper is in there."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

"These are my fish cymbalta, otezla, skyrizi, vraylar and stelara!"

'Time for your pills.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"I don't leave home without it!"

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

The importance of paying attention in med school.

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'This could be a very expensive operation — I'm going to refer you to the Federal Government.'

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

"I didn't say he's dying from choking. I said he's killing us with his joking."

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

'Have you heard about the new Medicare drug plan called plan C? Medicare gives you $30 for a bus ticket to Canada!'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'The Doctor says you can be discharged - so I've brought you a list of jobs you can do when you get home!'

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

'You need some stress.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."