Health App Explorer Gifts

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Feel alienated by technology? Tell me more. Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

"I wanted crisps but this assessed my body mass index and gave me an apple ..."

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

A man's health care options.

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

Sir, we have plenty of fine herbal tea for you to sample...but you're drinking the potpourri.

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

No. 83 In A Series OF Extraordinary Unlikely Events.

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

'I take it this wasn't quite the outcome you were expecting from your 'spot reduction diet'?'

"If this company can make an herbal soda...there's no reason why I can't make and sell my own too!"

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'Has the medication had any other side effects?'

Aromatherapy.

'I think my gastric band's too tight.'

Journey to the center of Jules Microbiome

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

"I'm dating an MRI technician."

"I stay awake all night worrying about my insomnia, doctor!"