Header Hero Gifts

'Wow... Here comes 'Holy' Andy Jones, king of headers!'

After his football career, Bobby 'Header King' Grunz found a satisfying new job.

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

I can't decide. Should I go to soccer camp 3 weeks in a row? Or soccer, then baseball then lacrosse camp? 3 soccers. Isn't overspecializing at his age bad? Possibly. But 3 different sports means�buying 3 different sets of expensive equipment. Right, He does have a mean corner kick.

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

Slices of bread rescuing burnt toast.

Lanes Closed for the Hell of It

"You must be the newly qualified driver."

"'Well done' lulled him into complacency."

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Freedom of the press

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

Your heart is doing well with the pig valve we put in. Now, what was your question?

'I didn't realize we'd employed a cyber bully in you, Miss Tweedy.'

Listening to Coldplay.

'I didn't read that scene, but I did highlight several passages.'

'Im so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all.'

'Where do you keep the elbow grease?'

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

Make up your mind. Next exit 500 miles.

Say speed

"I like keeping bees, but it's so hard keeping all their names straight."

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'

'I'm just curious, which one of you was dropped off by their boyfriend on a really fast motorcycle?'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

"I'll have my article pulled together in no time."

"I'm looking for a Father's Day gift. What kind of wrench says 'I love you'?"

man juggling career, home and children

'Nothing cements the relationship like the chance to get it in writing.'

'How is this for a headline: Climate change denial blogs cause further global warming.'