Head-hits-happen Hero Gifts

Stand up and be counted! But watch out for low ceilings!

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

"Just a couple of ninety cent seed packets, and you can have fresh garden vegetables for heaven knows how long."

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

Planting veggies

'I feel like I'm in a rut, too!'

You May Bang Your Head Here/You May Talk To Here.

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

"Information is moved via neurotransmitters from neuron to neuron via the synapses into the brain where it is then retrieved by the memory via a slap on the back of the head."

"It's wonderful, Harry! How late does Neiman-Marcus stay open?"

"I guess the tomatoes were just a gateway plant."

"What's it like, working with your hands?"

Many people suspect that the players aren't the only ones on steroids.

Llama training

A football referee accidentally shoots his starting pistol in his pocket.

'Congratulations, Hightower. You now lead the league in untainted urine samples.'

'The salad bar's coming in early this year!!'

"A little high and inside."

"Yes, I'm still on hold and counting the billable minutes."

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

Graduation Day 2020

Robot League Baseball. The player upgrades are great this year! New batteries and antennas will increase our home runs and decrease strike outs. They'll hit with more power, yet still make consistent contact! A software patch will cut down on errors. And the catcher's signs are encrypted now so they won't get stolen. Even with all that stuff, the most important upgrade is organic, grown in a biology lab! Yeah, every member of the pitching staff has a live arm!

"If you don't have time to take care of everything, Sir, Mom's vegetable garden would be a good thing to let go."

"Man, he pulled that one out of thin air!"

"You said gardening would be duck soup. This is vegetable soup."

'Don't worry, the first 30 years of contracting are the hardest.'

A pirate fishes using his hook.

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

'Hi Hon, just calling to let you know I'm on my way home.'

'You can't beat home groan.'

High-jump book is on top shelf in library.

"Leave those,dear - I bought some at the supermarket."

I told the boss that I'm exhausted and can't continue. He was either insensitive or trying to be inspirational when he replied "dig deep."

"Noise? Noise?!! That was Bullet for my Valentine!"

'Lassie, come home!!'