Hazard Hound Gifts

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'The word bath is mentioned.'

Golfer hanging from tree branch to play difficult shot.

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'

"Consider yourself chased."

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

'Ere-we distinctly asked for SAM an' Ella!'

"He says: If they're smart enough to hire a top lawyer and sue us for having wet floors then they're smart enough to look where they're *%&$* going..."

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

Woman is shocked at seeing her weight, she doesn't realise that her dog is also on the scales.

'Bob likes to express himself through his art!'

'No need to shout.'

'Good dog!'

'No! That's not a wall safe, it's a porthole!'

'There was an extra 50 miles on my bike this week. I couldn't keep you off the couch, now this?'

'When they start calling you a splendid bird, you know you're in trouble.'

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'You had a 9 on one, a 7 on two, a 10 on three, a 23 on four...that hurt...'

Playing with the dog with a boomerang.

Hazardous substance - ignitable, corrosive, reactive, toxic, real smelly, yucchy.

"Is that one of those brandy dogs?"

"They're remaking the old 'Dracula' film again..."

Canine Scent-ipede

"And yet, I too am a still life."

'Larry, did you replace the cartridges in all the respirators this morning?'

'Eject! Eject, eject eject!! Aw crimony. I've hit the button 6 or 7 times, Cap'n. And the darned CD still won't come out.'

Lawyer to client: 'Yes, your turnover at the pastry shop would fall under tort law.'

No one liked working the red-eye shift.

'I knew him before he became a police dog!'

'Are you OK Justin? You don't look very well.'

The Perils of Reading Ghost Stories Before Bed.