Hazard Hound Gifts

'... And another brand-new Titleist. And another... and another! Man, I can't believe my luck!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Sherlock Holmes Museum: No Hounds.

Golfer hanging from tree branch to play difficult shot.

'The word bath is mentioned.'

News and Magazines. Tax Bill Debate. The trickle-down can never compete with siphon-up.

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'

"Consider yourself chased."

'Ere-we distinctly asked for SAM an' Ella!'

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"He says: If they're smart enough to hire a top lawyer and sue us for having wet floors then they're smart enough to look where they're *%&$* going..."

Woman is shocked at seeing her weight, she doesn't realise that her dog is also on the scales.

'Get me a hundred milligrams of Oxycontin... And pick up something for this guy while you're at it.'

'Bob likes to express himself through his art!'

'No need to shout.'

'Good dog!'

'No! That's not a wall safe, it's a porthole!'

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'When they start calling you a splendid bird, you know you're in trouble.'

A typical Monday. Zombie Truck-Driving Maniacs! South Pole Penguin Love! That's a stupid eco-friendly chick documentary! Insipid, mindless, violent zombie crud! Negotiations commence, nearly a week before date night. Wimp! Blockbuster head!

'There was an extra 50 miles on my bike this week. I couldn't keep you off the couch, now this?'

'You had a 9 on one, a 7 on two, a 10 on three, a 23 on four...that hurt...'

"They're remaking the old 'Dracula' film again..."

"Is that one of those brandy dogs?"

Playing with the dog with a boomerang.

Hazardous substance - ignitable, corrosive, reactive, toxic, real smelly, yucchy.

Canine Scent-ipede

"And yet, I too am a still life."

'Larry, did you replace the cartridges in all the respirators this morning?'

'Eject! Eject, eject eject!! Aw crimony. I've hit the button 6 or 7 times, Cap'n. And the darned CD still won't come out.'

Lawyer to client: 'Yes, your turnover at the pastry shop would fall under tort law.'

No one liked working the red-eye shift.

'I knew him before he became a police dog!'

'Are you OK Justin? You don't look very well.'