Handbook Humorist Pillows

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

I will study my speling words...

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

Torturing the English Language

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"You're going to hate yourself."

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Dog Walking Services

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"But everyone is befuddled by math."