Guilt Trip Comedian Gifts

"You know, you're not just cancelling a magazine subscription. You're stabbing print media in the back!"

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

"I'm a monster."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

Mom's Diner: I do and do and do for you and what thanks do I get? How about your business? Is that too much to ask?

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

"We always see a spike after April 15th."

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

My Gay Son Never Calls

Theories Of Everything: 'Everything would be perfect if I had a dirt bike.'

Introducing...Superegoman!

"Hi, J.B. Guess where I am."

"Wait a minute. Isn't tonight the water conservation rally?"

"Come on Father, confess. You haven't been keeping to your diet, have you?"

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

"When I think about my mom, it hurts here."

"Do you really need a resource-sucking, ozone-depleting, planet-killing bag?"

"I'm afraid there's really very little I can do."

Mourning break.

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

'I strive to remember people's names to make them feel guilty about forgetting mine.'

"This is a charity calling. Please stay on the line for the voice of human kindness."

'Every time I come here, it ends up a guilt trip.'

Best sellers. New releases. Books you still haven't finished yet, Claire.

"I was caught by the VAT man."

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

'Having undertaken a lengthy and comprehensive review of the issues surrounding the lack of progress in implementing the policy in question...'

Road Rage in the Afterlife

'I have access to thousands of books with the push of a button...of course I feel guilty about not reading the Classics!'

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you're sure they can't hit back."

"Don't worry, my son. Voting for that party was not a sin, just stupidity."

Woman Browses Section Labeled "Guiltmaking"

'It was unfortunate timing that he suffered his heart attack while playing charades.'