Guardian Of The Night Gifts

The Vigil

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

dog vs UFO...

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'I'm being punished. Nothing even remotely electronic for two weeks.'

"The minimum wage is being upgraded, so how about the minimum allowance?"

'I never believed in spanking children - until today!'