Grief Period Gifts

"I knew if I started dating again so soon he'd flip out."

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

'I bought winter tyres and it didn't snow.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

"Sorry, wrong room."

"After losing my partner, I felt lost until I realized I had not only an empty shell but also a short-term accommodation business."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'I don't understand it! On earth he was deathly afraid of flying.'

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."

"He had a full two weeks."

''On behalf of my colleagues I wanted to let you know that we are all crying inside.''

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

"Sure, it's disrespectful, but knowing old scamp, he'd want us to dig up his bones."

'It's ok, sir, we'll put you in touch with one of our grief counselors.'

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"I can accept Mum's gone, but I can't bring myself to press 'delete'."

'Touching.'

The final stage of grief is acceptance. And the inevitable long and rambling acceptance speech.

Great Joys like griefs are silent.

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

A stranger in paradise.

"I never got a chance to say 'Shut up.' "

I realize we all grieve in our own way, ma'am, but the crematorium staff did not appreciate the fireworks you put in your late husbands pockets.