Grief Management Gifts

"She's been seeing a very good grief counselor."

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'I bought winter tyres and it didn't snow.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

"Sorry, wrong room."

'I don't understand it! On earth he was deathly afraid of flying.'

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."

"He had a full two weeks."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

"Sure, it's disrespectful, but knowing old scamp, he'd want us to dig up his bones."

'It's ok, sir, we'll put you in touch with one of our grief counselors.'

''On behalf of my colleagues I wanted to let you know that we are all crying inside.''

Great Joys like griefs are silent.

"I can accept Mum's gone, but I can't bring myself to press 'delete'."

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

'Touching.'

The final stage of grief is acceptance. And the inevitable long and rambling acceptance speech.

A stranger in paradise.

"I never got a chance to say 'Shut up.' "

I realize we all grieve in our own way, ma'am, but the crematorium staff did not appreciate the fireworks you put in your late husbands pockets.

"Ask her where she keeps the mailbox key and the nutmeg."

"It's not sediment, it's my late husband's ashes - he always said he wouldn't mind being drunk when he died."

'As your Guardian Angel, I want you to know that death is not anything to worry about.'