Grief Guide Gifts

It gets easier.

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'I bought winter tyres and it didn't snow.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

"Sorry, wrong room."

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

'I don't understand it! On earth he was deathly afraid of flying.'

"Damn, I forgot to get her kugel recipe."

''On behalf of my colleagues I wanted to let you know that we are all crying inside.''

"He had a full two weeks."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"On your previous visit you were describing how you were unable to express grief at the death of your first dog, Ranger. Please continue."

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

'It's ok, sir, we'll put you in touch with one of our grief counselors.'

"Sure, it's disrespectful, but knowing old scamp, he'd want us to dig up his bones."

The final stage of grief is acceptance. And the inevitable long and rambling acceptance speech.

"I can accept Mum's gone, but I can't bring myself to press 'delete'."

Great Joys like griefs are silent.

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

'Touching.'

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

A stranger in paradise.

"I never got a chance to say 'Shut up.' "

I realize we all grieve in our own way, ma'am, but the crematorium staff did not appreciate the fireworks you put in your late husbands pockets.

"It's not sediment, it's my late husband's ashes - he always said he wouldn't mind being drunk when he died."

"Ask her where she keeps the mailbox key and the nutmeg."