Grandparent Humor Aficionado Pillows

'Child resistant cap'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

Why Cows Leave Home

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

'They keep telling us these are the best years of our lives...but THEY seem to be having a pretty good time!'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

"Ok, I have my hearing aids on now: let's hear this mighty roar of yours. . ."

Bubbie Selfies

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

"We're just pleased he can still get into the Christmas spirit."

"Stop following me! I taught you all that I know."

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

Young MacDonald

"You claimed I was getting on your last nerve. Having only one nerve left sounds serious, so I called an ambulance."

'You are always living in the past!'

"My great granddad says fruits and vegetables keep him healthy. He calls them 'fossil fuels.'"

'Ms. Trent, would you go down to the third grade and get one of the computer techs?'

"I take my babysitting job very seriously."

'My dad is a CEO - don't trust him!'

"If you'd wanted me to be successful you should have set a better example."

Motherly bird

"Mom says Time Out should teach me a valuable lesson. I guess it's 'don't get caught.'"

"So, paternity leave problem solved then?"

Makes me feel young again!

"but I thought I had another, an older one."

'Grandma, show me the chicken's nuggets!'

"Since Ronnie retired, I like to keep him busy with plenty of activities."

'You call it a lie. I think of it as augmented reality.'

'Relax! I was just seeing if I could fit it all in if I wanted to.'

'It's our anniversary. The one night he takes me to a restaurant that doesn't have a children's menu.'

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

An old Dracula's false teeth fall out.