Funny Grandparent Pillows

"My great granddad says fruits and vegetables keep him healthy. He calls them 'fossil fuels.'"

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

'Are we there yet?'

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

'Oh dear. He's got my eyes.'

"One day mommy's slime molds will all be yours!"

"Cat-astrophic Trifecta" "I pooped in Mona's Jimmy Choo handbag." "I knocked over grampa's ashes." "I buried a Barbie in the litter box."

'They keep telling us these are the best years of our lives...but THEY seem to be having a pretty good time!'

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

A baby being christened in a scuba mask.

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

'The idea is to go where no man my age has gone before. I want to be the 'John Glenn' of Salsa.'

Can't read 'SLOW'.

'What did you do in the great whale war, grandad....'

"Ok, I have my hearing aids on now: let's hear this mighty roar of yours. . ."

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

'Can you do the dishes, love. I'll do the school run.'

'My husband wants to know if the sonogram can tell if the baby is a Red Sox or Yankees fan.'

Little known fact #244: Cholera was not the #1 cause of death for children on the Oregon Trail

Oh, Wow! With all this baby food flying around, I can't wait until he starts eating steak!!!

Young MacDonald

"Grandma is included in the purchase price."

Future Old People

"Grandpa, tell us again about the old days when people voted for somebody instead of against somebody."

'Enough, George... I let you get the stupid pool. I'm not going to cut your dinner into little pieces and dump it in.'

"They'll come home. They're microchipped."

"How about after nightime meds you come to my room for some Netflix and chill."

"Wow! Gramps was REALLY happy to get all those neckties for Father's Day!"

'Child resistant cap'

"Since Ronnie retired, I like to keep him busy with plenty of activities."

'Moonbeam just had a hippie replacement.'

'So you're Susan's boyfriend - you're not a bit as I'd imagined you!'

That's what I call value.