Gourmet Storyteller T-Shirts

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"You've ordered comfort food. May I recommend a comfort wine?"

"I don’t know, Margaret. She looks like the type who makes exotic stuffings."

"They won't even try their palate cleansers!"

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"When I was young, we personally prepared all the food for each and every meal!"

"It's a Haiku Dinner."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'Mary had a little lamb - with mint jelly.'

Bedtime Stories with Gordon Ramsay

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

Platter confusion.

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

"Who ordered the moose en croute?"

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

Haute Chinese

'May I suggest a pleasant viognier to put the subtext into gear?'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."