Gourmet Storyteller T-Shirts

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"You've ordered comfort food. May I recommend a comfort wine?"

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"They won't even try their palate cleansers!"

'Mary had a little lamb - with mint jelly.'

"I don’t know, Margaret. She looks like the type who makes exotic stuffings."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"It's a Haiku Dinner."

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

"When I was young, we personally prepared all the food for each and every meal!"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

"Who ordered the moose en croute?"

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Haute Chinese

Platter confusion.

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'May I suggest a pleasant viognier to put the subtext into gear?'