Gourmet Food Writer T-Shirts

"Will the gentleman want the saumon poché with or without his initials?"

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

Join me for dinner?

"There must be a place we can wait on line for an hour before eating."

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Then again, an honest profile picture would not have got me a wonderful 'Duck Confit with a Chocolat Creme Brulee.'"

Haute Chinese

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

'There was sizzle but no steak.'

'We're going to look pretty stupid if it's not a Michelin star.'

"I'm writing a memoir. It's mostly recipes."

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

'Jingling your change won't get us a better table.'