Gourmet Sleeper T-Shirts

"No more getting up and having to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

LAY ZEE FUK

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

His Her Cakes

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Menu Dating

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

To do before Saturday...

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'Is this still America?'

"Cancel the trip. The cook didn't get a visa."

Holiday Supplies

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"