Knitting Gourmet T-Shirts

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Needs salt!'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Queen of Quinoa

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Too much cilantro

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

The Main Types of Cheese

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

To do before Saturday...

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."