Knitting Gourmet T-Shirts

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Needs salt!'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

The Main Types of Cheese

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Too much cilantro

To do before Saturday...

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Queen of Quinoa

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Is this still America?'