Gourmet Poet Gifts

"If Sinatra had eaten here he'd have loved it."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

Avocado Timeline

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

Woman watching cookery show on TV while cooking a microwave meal.

"Monsieur Proust, we would like to discuss product placement for one of our cakes...."

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

The mushroom pickers

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'We don't eat just anyone, ya know. You should feel honored.'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"Will the gentleman want the saumon poché with or without his initials?"

"The Corned Beef Cappuccino needs work."

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

" 'Tonight's Specials,' a poem."

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

Holy Pizza

"Which entrée raises the fewest ethical issues?"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

'Ey-up, here comes the boss!'

"The menu simply says 'Fried Fish.' I'm waiting for you to provide the lyrical description."

Christmas canape?

'Don't give up hope - Anthony Bourdain is bound to show up sooner or later.'

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."