Gourmet Extraordinaire Gifts

'It's white! It's red! It's dry! It's sweet! It's still! It's sparkling! It goes well with everything!'

'You get the essentials - I'll deal with the luxuries.'

The wonderful world of cheese.

Domestic Goddess.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Too much cilantro

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

To do before Saturday...

The Main Types of Cheese

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Cheese

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'Is this still America?'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

Holiday Supplies

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"The bagels are better in New York."

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'