Extreme Gourmet Gifts

Survivalists Snack Stop.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

The wonderful world of cheese.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

French wine

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

To do before Saturday...

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"It comes with a small Greek salad."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet