Gourmet Extraordinaire T-Shirts

'It's white! It's red! It's dry! It's sweet! It's still! It's sparkling! It goes well with everything!'

'You get the essentials - I'll deal with the luxuries.'

The wonderful world of cheese.

Domestic Goddess.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

The Main Types of Cheese

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

To do before Saturday...

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Cooking'