Gourmet Experiencer T-Shirts

"No pictures of travel. No pictures of food in restaurants. I'm not sure who I am anymore."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'A cheeky red?'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

La Table

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'My husband made my cake from scratch...even the candles.'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'What wine goes with comfort foods?'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

Holiday Supplies

'Seven layers in one dip? Gentlemen, what have we wrought?'

"You've ordered comfort food. May I recommend a comfort wine?"

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

Sm. Pepperoni & Mushroom Cloud

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

"It's a Haiku Dinner."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"