Gourmet Experiencer T-Shirts

"No pictures of travel. No pictures of food in restaurants. I'm not sure who I am anymore."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'A cheeky red?'

La Table

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

Holiday Supplies

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'What wine goes with comfort foods?'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

'Seven layers in one dip? Gentlemen, what have we wrought?'

"You've ordered comfort food. May I recommend a comfort wine?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

Sm. Pepperoni & Mushroom Cloud

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

"It's a Haiku Dinner."