Gorilla Gossip Enthusiast Gifts

'Bipedalism is a great advance. But now we have to watch out for banana peels.'

'She's so put together!'

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

A little bird told me...

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"I love an ape, secure in his masculinity!"

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

Every morning the office gossip was cascaded down...

'Because it was there, Dave, because it was there.'

The 24-Hour Celebrities Doing Something Stupid Channel.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Giant gorilla peers at female victim. She says into cellphone: "I can't talk now, he's right here."

'Vanity, thy name is Maple.'

"It was the unsubstantiated rumours that attracted me to you in the first place."

"He's only an associate but he's already reaping at a partner's level."

"She's got money and he's a 'poet'."

"Well, at first I didn't like him. But then his creepiness just grew on me."

"George is fluent in two languages. English and total nonsense."

"He's a real throwback. He does all his own publicity stunts."

"Rest assured, anything you say in this office won't get repeated by me."

18 Days Since the Last Embarrassing Off-Field Incident.

Pie chart of pub conversations

"With Harry all options are on the table, including pointlessly looking for a job that doesn't exist for him anymore."

'Washington has wooden teeth? -- how did you find that out?', 'It came out in conversation.'

'I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was busy critiquing your outfit?'

"Reverend John Ship performed the nuptials. Attorney Thomas Sims performed the prenuptials."

"He was chained to his kennel, and since I have opposable thumbs, I was able to remove his collar and set him free..."

"Facts are good, but we need all the rumors, gossip, and speculation to fully understand the situation."

"So, Jenny in accounting needs all reimbursement forms backdated to the first of the month, but Dave in HR said she's just doing that to create busy work for everyone."

"...I have the oddest 'earliest memory' and I wanted to share it. It's just as wekkm I guess. Knowing some man secretly attended my first birthday party has caused me to question my parentage all these years....Especially since Mother Park made me promise not to tell Father that the potted plant was acually J. Edgar Hoover."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"I had half a date last weekend."

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."