Golf Practice Buff Gifts

'I know I'd be a better putter if I could see the ball!'

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"Wait! Don't start the chase now: I need to stretch first!:

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

"O.K. you're ready to go on to the less embarrassing weights."

"I told him he should have trained more."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'C'mon, c'mon! I want to be the first one on the stair-climbing machine!'

Gym. Instructor. Why do you want to learn kickboxing? I've always wanted to win a fight hands down!

Motivation to Keep Fit.

Pollyanna, the Hamster

'Hey look I got a free newspaper with my wallchart of north sea molluscs aand DVD of elbow stretching excercises.'

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

'This training session is all about challenging assumptions. For example you see someone looking depressed, dishevelled, unkempt it's easy to jump to conclusions. But they may not be a social worker, they may be a client!'

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

Mike had learnt by heart the whole training manual, apart from the most important bit.

'He's got a good attitude, and he's tall. But he's got to get into the weight room.'

The tortoise and the hare are in a shoe store trying on shoes in preparation for their race.

Fitness Course.

"In my workout this morning I hit a new personal best, but on a seasonally adjusted basis, my numbers actually fell."

'Young players have a tendency to forget fundamentals over the winter.'

"Steroids."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"This should be good! I switched his discus with a frisbee!"

Arm wrestling champion. (man in wheelchair).

'Can't you spell? This is 'muscle beach.' You want 'M-U-S-S-E-L Beach.''

"I've been working exclusively on my core."

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"...and I'm an incredibly flexible gymnast. If you get my drift..."

Today's seminar is going to be so much fun...

'Soon as your endorphins kick in, you'll feel great.'

'I like to stay fit. Or at least wear a lot of lycra.'

"Oh, we're not bouncers. We just can't fit through the door."