Golf Goofballs Pillows

'Too much to drink at lunch time.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

Shoot For The Moon

'I found what was making those funny noises.'

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

"What would you recommend pairing with the school of cod fish?"

The Deaths take a selfie.

"The world revolves around my cat."

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

Hole in forty-seven.

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

Tunnel of Love.

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

I'm with stupid.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

Time-space portal

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

'Simendinger! Get back to your position and quit hassling the fans.'

(Can't) Count Dracula.

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

'I hope you replace your divots!'

'Well, Frank, I've told you a hundred times to tighten your neck bolts, but do you ever listen? Nooo!'

"A backflip with a full twist, handspray pike and a three quarter roll will do nothing to further your cause Mr Laney."

'Do not even think about it, Ron!'

Bomb disguised as football thrown onto the pitch.

Turtle bumps turtle: 'WHIPLASH!'

It's not legal advice, but when a judge says "guilty," I wouldn't keep replying, "I know you are, but what am I?"

"Today's my dad's 90th birthday. I got him a cake. I used 90 candles to spell out 'Happy 90th Birthday from your goof-up son who can't ever do anything right. I organized the whole party. And what do you think of me, Pop?'...The candles flared up and burned his house down..."

Sauces & Pickles

Lizard running with football.

"Not another step into this house mister, until you empty the sand from your shoes!"