Golfing Goofballs Pillows

"Not another step into this house mister, until you empty the sand from your shoes!"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Shoot For The Moon

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

The Deaths take a selfie.

"You're way too strong Dad: You've overshot the green by about two hundred metres..."

"The world revolves around my cat."

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

Tom, you may not want to pause so long at the top of your swing.

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

Hole in forty-seven.

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

I'm with stupid.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

(Can't) Count Dracula.

'Simendinger! Get back to your position and quit hassling the fans.'

Red Indian carrying a baby in golf bag.

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

'I hope you replace your divots!'

'You told me to address the ball, so I did!'

It's not legal advice, but when a judge says "guilty," I wouldn't keep replying, "I know you are, but what am I?"

'Wouldn't you know it? -- I sliced it right into Purgatory!'

Turtle bumps turtle: 'WHIPLASH!'

Bomb disguised as football thrown onto the pitch.

"A backflip with a full twist, handspray pike and a three quarter roll will do nothing to further your cause Mr Laney."

"Today's my dad's 90th birthday. I got him a cake. I used 90 candles to spell out 'Happy 90th Birthday from your goof-up son who can't ever do anything right. I organized the whole party. And what do you think of me, Pop?'...The candles flared up and burned his house down..."

'A remote controlled golf ball! Yes, of course!'

Man pelted with golf balls.

Lizard running with football.

"That's not a divot so much as a major geological event."

"Son, it's bad enough you goof off all day, but your socks don't match!"