Gym Goofball Pillows

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

Shoot For The Moon

"I hate this time of year."

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

The Deaths take a selfie.

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'Waiter, there's a bank in the soup.'

'It's great that you made your own salad, dear, but those aren't croutons, they're dog kibbles.'

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

'I think we'll have to call the fire brigade again.'

"This place has the best vegan nachos!"

'The special today is scraps.'

Ostritch Gangsters.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

I'm with stupid.

Man is preparing pizza by the slice.

(Can't) Count Dracula.

'Simendinger! Get back to your position and quit hassling the fans.'

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

'Can you recommend something pronounceable?'

A mason making a peanut butter sandwich.

'More Christmas anyone?'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

'I hope you replace your divots!'

"Is the Black Cherry Vanilla Beer Coolie any good? That depends on your lack of taste."

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'Well, Frank, I've told you a hundred times to tighten your neck bolts, but do you ever listen? Nooo!'