Math Goofball Pillows

(Can't) Count Dracula.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Shoot For The Moon

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

The Deaths take a selfie.

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

'I think we'll have to call the fire brigade again.'

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

Ostritch Gangsters.

I'm with stupid.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

'Simendinger! Get back to your position and quit hassling the fans.'

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

Man in snow globe clears snow.

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'I hope you replace your divots!'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

'Well, Frank, I've told you a hundred times to tighten your neck bolts, but do you ever listen? Nooo!'

Bomb disguised as football thrown onto the pitch.

Turtle bumps turtle: 'WHIPLASH!'

"A backflip with a full twist, handspray pike and a three quarter roll will do nothing to further your cause Mr Laney."

Sauces & Pickles

"Today's my dad's 90th birthday. I got him a cake. I used 90 candles to spell out 'Happy 90th Birthday from your goof-up son who can't ever do anything right. I organized the whole party. And what do you think of me, Pop?'...The candles flared up and burned his house down..."

Lizard running with football.

'Too much to drink at lunch time.'

"Not another step into this house mister, until you empty the sand from your shoes!"