Grocery Goofball Pillows

Sauces & Pickles

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

'I found what was making those funny noises.'

Shoot For The Moon

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

"What would you recommend pairing with the school of cod fish?"

The Deaths take a selfie.

"The world revolves around my cat."

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

'Waiter, there's a bank in the soup.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'It's great that you made your own salad, dear, but those aren't croutons, they're dog kibbles.'

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

'I think we'll have to call the fire brigade again.'

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

"This place has the best vegan nachos!"

'The special today is scraps.'

Ostritch Gangsters.

I'm with stupid.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

'Can you recommend something pronounceable?'

(Can't) Count Dracula.

Time-space portal

Man is preparing pizza by the slice.

A Magician struggling to pull a rabbit out of a hat as a rabbit watches from the audience.

A choice of sandwiches

Man in snow globe clears snow.

'More Christmas anyone?'

A mason making a peanut butter sandwich.