Going To The Hospital Pillows

'No, it won't keep until the next commercial!'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

The cell phone soother for life.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

Barbeque Casualty.

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

Balloon drip.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"