Staying In Hospital Pillows

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

The cell phone soother for life.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"Surgery up here is free!"

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'Don't be alarmed if you hear the toilet flush a lot. Since you don't feel well, I thought I'd wash the dishes for you.'

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Balloon drip.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

"The good news is that your cardiac surgery was a complete success. The bad news is that we had to remove the song from your heart."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

Nurse pushing the Grim Reaper out of the Surgery room.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'