Giggles-for-days Gifts

"O.K., in three... two... one..."

'You lifted your head.'

Beware of the Dog Hair.

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I know what you're thinking, are those legal shoes.'

..and with our new spirit website you can keep in touch with all your dead friends!

'Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for the people who have to work with you.'

'I can't pronounce either his name or the out-sourced country where he works.'

"The gods are distributing Chinese menus."

A boy who doesn't want to put down his drum while he prays

'It's a sprained ankle again. Why are you always slipping on banana peels?'

A centi-stampede.

"That's what we look like naked??"

"Boy, I get booed everytime I perform here."

'Sorry, what was that?'

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

Two breasts: No waiting

'I think I'm beginning to understand what sex is all about.'

'If you want me to mount you 22-pound bass you've got to let go of it.'

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

Beheaded ghost says to spook: 'It's just a trial separation.'

Breakthrough by a comic

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

'Is it my fault the supermarket trolley had a mind of its own?'

"Where's the Viagra?!" "Where's the fire escape?!"

'I revel in competition. I have two charities, right now, vying for my $50 donation.'

Remember that club you threw last month and couldn't find?

The Middle-Aged Dog. Wait – Why did I run into this field?

Man Blowing Trumpet into Drum

'You can stop hiding now Artie...We know you went to breakfast without us!'

"How's your sense of humor? We're looking for an auditor who knows how to laugh."