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"I'd like a partridge in a pear tree, 2 turtle doves, 3 French hens, 4 calling birds and 7 swans a swimming."

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

"I can't imagine why we didn't think of this before."

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

Bad gifts

'You still owe me the pony from last year!'

'Well, I'll try, but cheese seems to be the 'must have gift' this year.'

'After you ask him for the pony, ask him to pay for your college education.'

"I have to cancel our plans. I feel a headache coming on."

"I always ask for a pony for my birthday. I find it gives the most bargaining room."

'My Christmas list-Chapter 1'

Santa relaxes by Fire

'Dear, this is gift shop number 3. You now owe me 1 bait & tackle, 1 hardware store, and a bar.'

"I want to travel the world, bringing home ugly little trinkets."

"I'm discharging you early - administration wants to make sure you have time to visit the gift shop before it closes."

"What should we get your mother for her birthday? - How about travelers' checks?"

'I won't itemize. Just bring me one of everything.'

Lady walking past a sign that reads: "Happy New Year! Only 358 Shopping Days Before Christmas!"

"He was such a great artist, yet in his own lifetime he never sold a single mug."

Under new management. But still no bananas.

'I've made a list of presents you could surprise me with this Christmas.'

Cutes Gifts N' Stuff.

'You know, this could take awhile - how about you and I do lunch somewhere?'

Ask Sadie. Sadie, my wife deserves so much more than I can give her. What can I buy her for our upcoming 36th wedding anniversary? - Wayne. *Actual reader letter. The 36th wedding anniversary? Isn't that wood paneling? What? First is paper, second is cotton, third is leather, and so forth. But wood paneling? Stucco? She has no clue. But she intuits these are the remodeling years.

"Which list do you want first, A-L or M-Z?"

'We're sending Barb's grandson a birthday card for his 11th. . . should we put eleven dollars in the card?'

Novelties. Look! I got a rubber singing fish! Neat! An I-Cod! (Published originally May 28, 2007.)

I'll be good next year I promise.

"To avoid stress in the future, tell me what gifts you would like for the next ten Christmases!"

Royal wedding gift list.

'My mother will bring me what I need. You bring me the good stuff.'

'364 and 1/2 days until Christmas!'

"It's not all bad. There's a gift shop. . ."

'The abduction was nothing, it was their gift shop that blew me away.'

'What? -- You didn't get your letter to Santa notarized?'