Geography Giggler Pillows

"According to this, we're not even in Mrs. Feldman anymore."

0% of the students in this school can find USA on a map.

Welcome to MOMtana

"The reason why U.S. time is behind English time is because England was discovered first..."

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip!'"

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Fig 1. Fig 2. Fig Newton.

Cavemen Exhibit

Oog is an expert at throwing stones at things - he's a "rock-it" scientist.

'I can't hire you, but I can sell you some stock in the company.'

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

'Would that be rare, or medium rare?'

"There's a caterpillar in my food."

'If Aunt Arctica is on the bottom of the world, does that mean Uncle Artica is on top of the world?'

'In this...um...part of the circle...'

"Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupididy' and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein. Our colleague and I were going to debate, with me arguing the universe is finite and he's arguing that it's infinite. But he pulled out saying the debate organizers are biased against his position. He didn't believe they were simply advising folks to arrive early when they said "space is limited."

We interrupt today's "The Price is Right" episode to bring you breaking news … Weeks ago, the Hubble telescope spotted a rogue planet the size of Venus plummeting through the solar system on a collision course with earth. It turns out it was actually just a prank involving two very bored ISS astronauts and a grapefruit. Breaking News!!!!! Maybe we should send them to Mars after all. One of them seems to have scrawled "Around and around and around and around" all over his space suit, in crayon.

Holocene, Pleistocene, Pliocene, Miocene, Oligocene, Eocene, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Onions.

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'Say, how can I convert this FAT file into a nice and small JPG?'

North America. South America. Greenland. Europe. Africa. Asia. India. Have you notices that North America, South America, Greenland, Africa and India are all pointed on the bottom? Yes - that's continental drip.

Search for Extraterrestrial Life. Ernie is working on a theory that alien life forms avoid the Milky Way galaxy because they're lactose intolerant.

The Big A** Theory

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

CHAUCER 411, 'Boy -- that guy spells worse than I do!'

Turkey Goes Into Dressing Room and Comes Out Cooked

Monday. Restaurant. Daily special. Steak. Tuesday. Hamburger. Wednesday. Homestyle meatloaf. Thursday. I know this is your favorite restaurant, and I guess it's okay to eat here again today ... but tomorrow we'll probably need to find someplace else to eat! Daily special. Cream of meatloaf soup.

"This smells really funny. Is that going to be a problem for you?"

The Stand-up Petrophysicist...