Gas Company Executive Gifts

EXXON EXTINCTION

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

Spot the difference.

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

Matryoshka/ Russian Gas Cylinders

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

'It says our line printer is obsolete our remote terminal is obsolete, and I'm afraid, we're obsolete.'

"It's trickle down."

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

Downsizing.

Oh no ... Outsourcing

"To join OPEC you must be a country and filthy rich in oil."

"I have the profit sharing figures. You owe the company �2,367.25."

"Read me one more, Daddy!"

'No way! To fund health, education and welfare, we'd be forced to tax oil companies!'

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

'And this is where we all suddenly started getting bad vibes.'

Ethanol and foreign oil.

"That's not profit that's the cost of having to turn them off."

'After months of analysing, we found out how to stop your downgoing profits: just find more customers who want to buy your products.'

'No wonder we're losing money! --This organizational chart is upside down!'

Terrorism premium on every barrel of oil.