Energy Company Executive Gifts

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

"But a windfall tax would mean abandoning a zero carbon future."

"We're phasing out Russian oil."

Energy Company: We Oppose Global Warming.

'Let me assure you we are doing everything we can to keep prices down and put customers first.'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

Spot the difference.

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'It says our line printer is obsolete our remote terminal is obsolete, and I'm afraid, we're obsolete.'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

"It's trickle down."

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'Our union contract keeps us from cutting salaries, but nothing prevents us from charging for parking.'

Downsizing.

Oh no ... Outsourcing

"To join OPEC you must be a country and filthy rich in oil."

"I have the profit sharing figures. You owe the company �2,367.25."

'No way! To fund health, education and welfare, we'd be forced to tax oil companies!'

'Look on the bright side: now we qualify for an energy-conservation award.'

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

Ethanol and foreign oil.

"That's not profit that's the cost of having to turn them off."

After the Nordstrom-Nordstream Merger

'And this is where we all suddenly started getting bad vibes.'

'After months of analysing, we found out how to stop your downgoing profits: just find more customers who want to buy your products.'

'No wonder we're losing money! --This organizational chart is upside down!'