Gambling Professional Gifts

'Freeze, boys! Show me your hands.'

'OK Mr and Mrs Johnson let's spin the wheel and find you a child!'

'Yes, I do have some ideas for the wedding! We could fly in on jet packs, say our vows on a bridge over a piranha pool with you in a white bikini, hold the reception in a casino and honeymoon in a secret underground bunker!'

Dogs and their thoughts

Little league world series of poker.

"Mr Frimley will see you now."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"You must be cheating - no one's that lucky!"

'According to this book, the casino has a slight edge in this game.'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

Bribes for Jabs

'I don't like to take chances.'

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'Oh yeah, your dad might be on 4-1 in this afternoon's race, but mine is on 3-1!'

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

Dog in casino.

"Okay, I'll renew your contract and raise you five sick days."

'He wrote a whole book on how to play a slot machine. I'm anxious for his next one: How to Set an Alarm Clock.'

"Incidentally, my men's group has retrograded into a poker game."

'They say that poker is a sport. I hope they don't start testing for steroids.'

Short-lived Neanderthal Games: Slap The Sleeping Dinosaur

Everyone agrees: Aunt Juanita needs a man.

Riverboat 4 Square Hustlers

'No, you can't play poker tonight! The last time you played, you lost Schewig-Holstein!'

"Stag poker"

"Things got heated with the Morgans. I may have wagered our car. You're up."

Slug roulette

'Do you have one with the number 401k? under the law averages, it's bound to be winner.'

The Epsom Derby - Bookies

'What do you mean - you 'LET him win'?'

Playing cards.

'It's a penny slot--give me a hundred.'

'In the 20 minutes it took for the pit boss to come back with a comp for the $10 buffet, I lost another $500.'

Casino. Keno. $$$. Win. Cashier. He sure wins a lot! He's "Keno Savvy."