Gallows Humor Aficionado Gifts

'It's not that I'm afraid of dying, Doctor... It's just that I don't want to be there when it happens!'

"I've always said - juries are impossible to predict."

"How may I direct your call? Doctor-assisted or regular?"

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

"Ahhhh... tell me the risks of surgery again."

Ok, ok, I'll get rid of that first.

'The Chef wants to know what you'd like for your last meal.'

"They keep bringing out new ones with extra blades..."

"Try to cheer your surgeon up. He's lost four patients this morning."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"We have a favor to ask."

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

A lesson in wit

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

"Oh, don't mind me..I'm a little early. Just go about your business...pretend I'm not here.

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

"Well, if you don’t want to discuss exposure, drowning or sharks, what do you want to talk about?"

Fresh Blood In Politics

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

"So laughter isn't the best medicine..."

"Wait, what?"

"A modest proposal: Why not arm the Trump administration for their own safety?"

'This had better be important, I'm in the middle of a conference call!'