Gala Night Gifts

"The first prize goes to WIlbur Van Zick who slept with nine out ten members of the jury. The second prize with eight members goes to..."

"Now here's one that has the glamour above the table."

This cream won't get rid of cellulite...it just makes it easier to slide into your jeans.

Blue Dress and Feather

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

"Gals, you know I hate being the center of attention, so for the next 45 minutes I am going to monologue about all the minute details of my wedding planning."

'Be ready in a minute - just have to put on my face.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

Joe's 'Talent-Optional' Karaoke Bar

A man looks up at the earth

"Pssst! I had some CGI done."

Masquerade

Elegant woman in backless dress.

'You deserve some unabashed fun once in a while.'

Tonite: Gala Costume Party. Got your costume for the big party? No, I'll just part my hair on the other side and go as my own reflection.

"At our age we should be moisturizing." "Honey, we started years ago... with our lips."

'Relax, I think it just wants the chum pizza.'

"The Duke and Duchess of A.T. & T., the Count and Countess of Citicorp, the Earl of Exxon, and the Marchioness of Avco. The Duke of Warnaco..."

Friends of the Royal Academy - Annual Dinner

The nonprofit dog fight.

Our eco-prom theme is "Jungle Paradise." Decorations will be live plants. I see where this is leading. Can you bring in trees and bushes for the night? Sure. But

Man in a Tuxedo

"Tell me the truth. . . what happens to all the leftover cake scraps in The Great British Baking Show?"

'How about this for the masked ball?'

"Oh yes, I'm still on the juice diet...this one just happens to be fermented."

"Somebody order a pizza?"

A woman in a purple gown playing the piano

"Dinner will be ready soon, I hear the pizza truck rounding the corner."

Bachelor gettin giddy from dancing

'You dance like my mother.'

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fund raiser."

'I was talking to that George Clooney yesterday. He is SUCH a name-dropper.'

'You've definitely mastered it, Richard, but not every song is appropriate for the chicken dance.'

"Don't worry. These rosés are still fresh."

Long Speech Alarm at Company Dinner