Fun-loving Linguist Pillows

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

An English and French student converse.

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

Artichoking victim

"I think I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me."

"He's a fine talker, but can you understand Portuguese?"

Heart To Heart

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

'Once a donzel, the dyvour now settled for orts.'

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'I don't like this part. 'Please find enclosed the inclusion of my enclosure'.'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"Is it ne'er do wells, or ne'ers do well?"

"Pansexual"

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

Overly wordy travel.

"What?"

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

"You don't need to sacrifice good grammar in order to talk dirty."

Simultaneous translation.

"Standard equipment includes the Manual Anti-Collision Sonic Warning System...otherwise known as the horn."

Boss hands over document: 'There are too many abbreviations in your report ? can you rewrite it asap?'

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."